One Year Dead
Happy Birthday little guy.
I wish I could meet the one-year old you. I don’t even know what one year olds are supposed to be like. Walking around I guess, not talking yet? Maybe still crawling. Eating solid foods I suppose. How big are you supposed to be now? 20 pounds? 30 pounds? 40?
I love you. I still can’t really say your name, Wren, out loud without starting to choke up. Most of the time I’m in the car by myself I cry a little. I blame myself for your death. Nothing matters anymore but you and Tweeny. I made epubbud for you but who cares?
If only we’d never seen the fucking “Business of Being Born.”
If only we didn’t live in hippy dippy Santa Monica.
If only we couldn’t afford to do a home birth.
If only there had been some pregnancy complication.
If only the OBs had told us WHY we shouldn’t do a home birth.
If only the OBs had explained GBS to us.
If only the OBs had called when the positive test results came back.
If only my birthday hadn’t been on March 4th.
If only we didn’t go to Vegas for my birthday.
If only you came a day later.
If only you came a few days earlier, while we were in Vegas.
If only the midwives fucking gave a shit about GBS back then.
If only they’d stuck around longer.
If only anybody else was around, and maybe recognized labored breathing.
If only we’d been better at googling “baby makes breathing noise.”
If only we’d gotten a pediatric appointment for the same day.
If only I hadn’t laid you on my chest and read a magazine.
If only I hadn’t been wearing a red shirt.
If only I’d done some research.
If only I didn’t get stuck in one frame of mind.
If only we hadn’t been so goddamnned smug.
Happy Birthday Wren.
my heart goes out to you and your wife. deeply and truly. i lost my daughter Aquila at my homebirth December 19th 2009. everyday i run through my list of “if only”
I am so sorry, I saw Wren’s story on Hurt by Homebirth. My heart goes out to both of you.
Thinking of you both on what should have been the happiest of days…
Speaking of should haves…
I should have tried harder (or tried at all) to convince you guys against doing a home birth.
I should have said that Wren was a little premature and needed to go the hospital for observation.
I should have recognized Wren’s labored breathing when I talked to Josh for almost an hour on the phone.
I should have been a better doctor.
I should have been a better friend.
I’m sorry Josh. I’m sorry Tweeny. And most of all, I’m sorry Wren.
Life does not make sense and losing a baby is tragic,Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe. You have to believe that Wren was here for a reason and your connection could never be broken and you 2 will meet again ;).Keep the faith, I know you two will meet again.
we will always miss him 🙂
hugs to you both.
My heart breaks every time I think about little Wren and how much you and must Tweeny miss him.
I’m so sorry.
Much love to you and your family.
I’m just an anonymous dreamhost customer and only know you through the newsletter. I’m very saddened to hear of your loss. I wish I had something to help.
Josh,
I’m sure you’ve heard this a lot, but the personal touch you added to the newsletters and blog posts made me want to read it. Normally they are boring items, but you added a flair to it where I actually looked forward to getting the monthly newsletter; albeit, late.
I can’t express the sympathy that I have for you and your wife and the only words of comfort that I can provide is, sometimes The Maker wants the special ones early.
You and your wife are in my & my families thoughts and prayers.
Davis M.
St. Louis, Missouri
Humble Dreamhost Customer for life.
What a terrible tragedy. My heart goes out to your and your wife, and your family.
Please don’t blame yourself. Remember why you made the choices you did. It was out of love and a desire to do the best by your child and your family. It is never wrong to love.
Stay strong.
Josh,
I remember you as the funny guy from the newsletters. I did not know anything about this until todays’s newsletter (I don’t read the blog as often as I should).
My deepest condolences. I’ve made a small donation to GBS International. Hopefully it can help others avoid having to go through what you went through. Or more accurately, what you are still going through.
– Another dreamhost customer
Josh, grief isn’t a journey. Whomever came up with that trite description obviously writes rhyming sympathy cards. Nor is grief a process. What a stupid, vapid, sterile definition.
I have sat silent and listened to parents discuss the pain of losing an infant. Their say their grief is a horrible ache, always laying at the bottom of their stomach. Or a hole punched right out of them – a complete, vacant space. Another described feeling as if she was only held together with staples, and the hurt and anger still seeped out of the spaces.
And when people seek to console, words don’t convey what they really want to tell you. No one can take away your pain, to stop your constant questioning, to carry the burden if only for a day. Many would in a heartbeat if given the chance. If only we could each take a turn at carrying the pain for each other.
Wren was your beautiful son, and you made the right decision for him with the information you had. No one can tell you to stop your self-doubt, because you need to resolve this within and slowly you will. I hope that blogging about your loss is helping you to heal, because grief takes a long time to ease.
There are others who have experienced the same loss of their newborn, who are so overwhelmed that they couldn’t move forward. I admire that in memory of Wren you are supporting GBS Awareness and wanting to make a difference.
I have tears and prayers for you, your lovely wife, and your beautiful son.
I just read about GBS positive. My deepest condolences to you and your family. It’s not easy and never be easy to loss a little angle.
I just delivered baby girl on 20th April 2011. Since my water broke for more than 18 hours but the cervix is not opening. I had to go through caesarean but i was on antibiotic all the way before the caesarean was done. And the doctor had monitored the baby for 48 hours after the delivery. However, the result on me showed that i’m GBS positive. Actually, I know nothing about all this before I started with the reading. But, one question i would like to ask how not to GBS positive?
I read your story on Hurt by Homebirth. I can’t tell you how sorry I am for your loss, and how much I admire your honesty about such a very difficult topic.
If only…if only we had a do-over for the mistakes we make. You did the best you could with the limited information you were given. I hope one day you’ll find some peace. I am so very sorry.
Lots of love forever!
[…] and cannot seem to find justice. Then there were the stories that followed, Mary Beth’s, Wren’s…the list goes on and on. And where was the anger? These babies were dead and all people could […]
Found your story via DH. Thank you SO much for being so brave to share the story, I would have never known the risk and you may very well save quite a few little lives along the way. You are truly loving parents. I wish you peace. Much love to Wren.